Is This an Apology?--You Tell Me

So I got a, how do you say, “barrage” of emails yesterday claiming that my most recent post was bitter and sarcastic, that I’m simply jealous of people who wake up early, train for marathons, drive nice cars, participate in community fundraisers, and sign their kids up for lots of different sports and fancy art classes. And that I’m just putting everybody on when I talk about being able to afford and do all those really neat things myself.

Or that if everything I say is true, then I’m some kind of insensitive jerk for rubbing it in everyone’s face.   

And that either way I should issue some sort of apology because if I’m not being mean to rich people, then I must be being mean to, how do you say, “downtrodden” people. 

First of all, read my damn bio. English isn’t my first language. Not even my second. It’s my third. So if you people out there (the truly bitter ones, in my opinion) think that I have the ability to be both sarcastic and bitter in my third language, well, you’re giving me waaaaaaa-aaaaaay more credit than I deserve.

Second, if you don’t want to get little glimpses of my life (the bit about the SUVs, for example, twin Escalades, if you’re wondering) then don’t read my damn blog in the first place! I mean, that’s why people read these kinds of things at, say, two in the morning WHEN THEY’RE BORED—how do you say—“STIFF” with their own lives!

Third, as an immigrant to the United States, I have an immigrant’s work ethic. As I made a point of sharing in my last post, I get up every morning at 2:00 AM. I’ve worked my ass off the last ten years as an underwear model for Nordstrom. If I want to sign my son or daughter up for forty-eight soccer leagues, I’ll do it, and I’ll sign her up for a forty-ninth league just because I can, and in honor of the forty-nine thousand, probably million, children in Poland WHO DON’T GET TO SIGN UP FOR EVEN A SINGLE SOCCER LEAGUE, not even if it cost like two dollars. 

And fourth, anyone who says that an underwear model for Nordstrom can’t afford an SUV (let alone two, as we have (plus a motorcycle)), or that an underwear model for Nordstrom can’t afford all of the talent developing activities that I and my wife sign our kids up for—whoever says that has never been an underwear model for Nordstrom! and has ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how much money underwear models for Nordstrom make. AND THEY’VE PROBABLY NEVER HAD KIDS WITH ANY TALENTS EITHER!

Look, if I’m a little insensitive to people who are, how do you say, “down on their luck,” well, forgive me for that. But just so you know, models for Nordstrom are the most over-the-top, insensitive jerks out there. I’d say “bastards” if I wasn’t one myself. To be honest (SORRY IF BEING HONEST MAKES ME LOOK BETTER THAN OTHER PEOPLE) I’m some kind of philanthropist compared to the majority of them.

How do you say, “seriously.”

In conclusion—

Okay, my how do you say, "irate readers": you got me. Sorry for being a little insensitive, at times, to people driving around in their 1992 Ford Tauruses, or their parents’ 1986 Honda Accords. And sorry for being proud of my, how do you say, “damn kids” and for being eager to provide them with things my shoe-sole repairman father in Warsaw was never able to provide me with.

And sorry for being like a really fascinating and charitable guy in comparison to THE AVERAGE OR EVEN ABOVE AVERAGE HUMAN BEING.   

But I’m not going to issue an apology for living a more active lifestyle than everyone else, for getting up early and basically, how do you say, "seizing life by the-you-know-whats; with my barehands even."

 Or maybe I will—SORRY IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE IT!