Over Before It Started? Not If I Can Teach the Pottery Merit Badge . . .

So Earth’s Hottest Man was just asked to be an Assistant Scout Master. And he couldn’t say no. Because one of the things that makes me so hot is my ever willingness to help out, to give succor where succor is needed.

This is serious though. A damned-if-I-do, damned-if I-don’t conundrum, because:

1) walking around in a scout uniform, in public, threatens the very existence of this blog

2) as would turning down the call to serve

In previous posts I have written extensively about my uncanny ability to

A) make swearing at my kids look sexy

B) make driving a minivan look sexy

But driving a minivan and turning around to swear at other people’s kids? On my way to Camp Woodchuck?

Even if I don’t swear, even if I don’t volunteer my minivan, I don’t know if I can make the handkerchief thing look sexy. Or the knee high green socks with the red trim, the little beads and braided things hanging from all parts of the body. Maybe in the bedroom fooling around I could think of something. An allusion to Titanic, perhaps, to set the mood: “You want to see me in these, and only these?”

If I could tie the handkerchief around my head, like a bandanna, maybe. And I’d have to roll my sleeves up, show some bicep.

But if I’m going by handbook regs, if I’m forced to recite the Scout Law with a handkerchief secured around my neck by a corncob thingy one of the boys carved at camp—this blog is over.

Can you imagine Earth’s Hottest Man teaching the Coin Collecting or Basketry merit badges? Neither can I. The Fingerprinting merit badge? No way. Pulp and Paper? Nope. Indian Lore? Possibly. Pottery? Yes. Totally. My firm wet hands shaping, squeezing, massaging the clay. We might have to invite the Relief Society in for this one.

It’s so true what they say about writing—it really helps you think through the seemingly insurmountable challenges.

Hell, teaching the Pottery merit badge, a little “Unchained Melody” playing softly in the background—I’ll be hotter than ever. (Would I get disfellowshipped if I took my shirt off?)